Phoenix Wright: Asinine Attorney - Transcript



*BUZZZZZZ*

Judge: Welcome to Ace Attorney Theater. Today's is a courtroom drama of the most peculiar kind: it is a "what if" story that may have happened in another world, not unlike our own. "How peculiar could it be?" you might wonder, and to that, I wouldn't know the answer. But please don't take this too seriously -- just simply relax and enjoy the madcap fun. And now, it's Asinine Attorney time!

Date: ??? Time: ??? Kingdom of Khura'in - Bazaar

Phoenix: Hmm... I wonder where Maya and Pearls are. They're supposed to already be here. Guess I'll hang around for a while until they show up... My name is Phoenix Wright. I'm an attorney, and the head of my own law office back in America. But for now, I'm here in the Kingdom of Khura'in to take care of a few things. Pearls has come for a short visit... ...so the plan today was for Maya, Ahlbi, and I to show Pearls around town, but...

???: Hey there, Mr. Wright!

Phoenix: Oh, there's...! Hi, Ahlbi! Oh, and Pearls!

Pearl: It's always nice to see you, Mr. Nick!

Phoenix: This young lady is Pearl Fey. She's training to be a spirit medium, but she's currently on vacation here in Khura'in. You're looking well. How's your taining coming along?

Pearl: It's going great, thank you! I've been working really hard, each and every day! I was even featured in a newspaper article recently. See?

Phoenix: Oh? Well, what do you know! Look at you, giving interviews already, Pearls!

Pearl: Thanks. With Mystic Maya here in Khura'in, they decided to talk with me instead. They even called me "charming" in the article...! Oh, it's so embarassing!

Phoenix: She brought this all the way here just to show it me? She must've been pretty pleased with how it turned out.)

Article on Channeling added to the Court Record.

Phoenix: By the way, have either of you seen Maya?

Ahlbi: I have, and she says you're late! She got tired of waiting... ...so she sent me to look for you.

Phoenix: Huh? Guess I must've gotten the time and place wrong... Sorry, you guys... So, where is she now?

Ahlbi: She's at the Hall of Justice, observing a trial. She said something about how "interesting things are going to happen" during it.

Phoenix: I wonder what that's supposed to mean... Hmm... Well, there's only one way to find out, I guess. To the Hall of Justice!

Date: ??? Time: ??? High Court of Khura'in - Accused Lobby

Phoenix: ...I've only ever been here as the lawyer for a trial. But not today. Here's to hoping it'll be a bit more low-key this time. Now then, I wonder where Maya is?

Ahlbi: Right! I'll go look for her!

Pearl: I'm really looking forward to seeing a Khura'inese trial, Mr. Nick. I heard they used a form of spirit channeling during them called, um...

Phoenix: The Divination Séance. It lets us experience the deceased's final moments.

Pearl: That's right! They talk about it in this scroll. It also says that in Khura'in, only those who can channel spirits can become the queen. Do you think this means I could become one, too?

Phoenix: Ha ha ha. Well, Princess Rayfa can't channel spirits yet... ...so I'd say you have a head start, Pearls.

Pearl: Oh, actually... I have an extra copy of that scroll. Do you want it, Mr. Nick?

Phoenix: Sure, why not? Thanks, Pearls.

Scroll added to the Court Record.

Phoenix: Wait, the title of this scroll is... ..."Pretty Princess Rayfa Special Scoop"? Wh-What the heck is this? It's even got her personal information in here, like her height and hobbies. Is this a teen idle fanzine scroll or something?

Pearl: Apparently, some travel agency printed these up to promote tourism in this country. It seems she's popular among the young men here.

Phoenix: Well, I can't say I approve of any of this...

???: Nick!

Phoenix: Maya?

Maya: What's with that face? You look like a cow that's accidentally eaten a burger.

Phoenix: Uh, and what kind of face is that exactly? This is Maya Fey. She used to be my legal assistant. She's a spirit medium from Kurain Village, and is currently training here in Khura'in.

Maya: This is no time for introductions, Nick! We have to hurry into the courtroom -- now! It's about to start!

Phoenix: What's about to start?

Maya: Oh, you'll see. Now, come on, get the lead out and let's go!

Phoenix: Hey, wait! What's going on?!

Ahlbi: Ah, Mr. Wright!

Date: ??? Time: ??? High Court of Khura'in

Day 1 Court Is Now In Session All Rise

Phoenix: ...............

Judge: Um... What are you doing there at the defense's bench today, Mr. Wright?

Phoenix: ...I was wondering that myself, actually. Mind filling us both in, Maya?

Maya: Well... ...I just thought, you can't really have a trial without a lawyer, you know?

Phoenix: Trial? What trial? Plus...

Edgeworth: .........

Phoenix: And what are you doing here, Edgeworth?

Edgeworth: ..................

Phoenix: (This stuffy-looking guy is Miles Edgeworth. He's the local chief prosecutor back home, and an old childhood friend of mine. But all I want to know right now is, what is he doing here in Khura'in?)

Edgeworth: ...I was not informed that you'd be defending today.

Phoenix: Me? Defending? There must be some mistake. I'm just here for sightseeing...

...*ker-CHANK*

Phoenix: ...Isn't that the bailiff? Did something happen?

???: ...Heh heh heh. The security here's a joke. All I had to do was disguise myself as the bailiff and waltz right in!

Phoenix: Huh?

???: Nobody move, if ya know what's good for ya! I'm giving the orders now... got it?!

Judge: ............Y-... YIIIIIIIIIKES!

Phoenix:

Phoenix: Wh-What do you think you're doing?!

*BANG*

Phoenix: AAAH! (He's not kidding around!)

???: I SAID, nobody move! .........I'm here to protest the perverted state of our kingdom's judicial system. But you people'll probably call me a terrorist or something.

Phoenix: A t-t-terrorist?

Judge: Oh, my... Are you one of those rebels?!

Edgeworth: .........

Phoenix: (What's going on here?)

Maya: .........G-Get ready, Nick. Here we go.

Phoenix: I-I don't think I'm ready for this...

Edgeworth: ...So tell me, terrorist, what are your demands?

Rebel: It's simple. I want the royal priestess, Rayfa Padma Khura'in... ...handed over to me immediately!

Judge: WHAAAT?!

Phoenix: P-Princess Rayfa...? What do you want with her?

Rebel: Her Divination Séances! They're the root cause of our judicial system's perversion! So I'm sure you understand what needs to be done to save our kingdom...

Phoenix: ...*gulp* (This is going south fast.)

Rebel: Now, bring me the royal priestess or else!

Edgeworth:

Edgeworth: Hmph! As if we would kowtow to the likes of you!

Judge: B-But Prosecutor Edgeworth... If we do not comply, we endanger the lives of everyone here in this courtroom.

Edgeworth: Even so, we cannot simply hand over the princess without a fight. She is the future queen of this kingdom. That cannot be allowed to stand! I, for one, am ready to battle this terrorist... whatever the cost!

Judge: Hmm... You make a good case, but...

Phoenix: (I hope you have some sort of plan for defeating him, Edgeworth, because I don't...) So... What are we going to do?

Rebel: You will hand over the royal priestess, now!

???:

Phoenix: (Pearls...?)

Judge: And you are...?

Pearl: .........I-I... ...I am Princess Rayfa! Now, take me away if you must, Mr. Terrorist!

Phoenix: .........Huh?

Rebel: What's going on here?

Maya: N-Nick! What is Pearly doing?! It looks like she's trying to save Princess Rayfa by taking her place!

Phoenix: P-Pearls, what do you think you're doing...?

Pearl: Mr. Nick! ..................

Phoenix: ! I get it now. We can't turn Princess Rayfa over to this terrorist... ...but we also can't let anyone here come to harm. That's why Pearls is pretending to be the princess. Could this be her bid to buy us some time?)

Judge: I'm sorry, but... YOU are Princess Rayfa? I was about to say I hardly recognize you, but... ...I do not recognize you in the least! Who on earth are you?!

Pearl: As I said, I'm Princess Rayfa! Take me away, Mr. Terrorist. Then you'll let everyone go, right?

Rebel: Yes, b-but...

Edgeworth: Your Magistry. What is going on here?

Judge: Well, umm... I haven't the foggiest.

Phoenix: (Hmm... Maybe I can spell it out with some hand signals... Come on, Edgeworth... Work with me here! We need to buy ourselves some time!)

Edgeworth: .........Mr. Wright. Now is really not the time for your shenanigans.

Phoenix: (Argh! How can one person be so dense!) Th-The young lady there... She speaks the truth!

Rebel: So this little lady really is Princess Rayfa? I don't know... She looks different from that picture I saw. Then again, she looks about the right age and height... Hmm...

???:

Ahlbi: Now hold on just a minute!

Phoenix: A-Ahlbi? What are YOU doing up there...?

Ahlbi: This girl's not the royal priestess, I tell you!

Judge: And just what is your business here?

Ahlbi: I-I-I'm Miss Pearl's tour guide! As such, I can't allow anything bad to happen to her! She's a valued customer! So I beg of you, Your Magistry... allow me to explaaaaaain!!!

Judge: Explain...? Oh, you mean you wish to testify? Hmm... What do you think Prosecutor Edgeworth? It has been one unexpected turn after another today, and I'm at a loss for what to do.

Edgeworth: .........I'm afraid we have no choice. We must resolve the issue at hand, immediately. We must determine whether or not this young lady really is Princess Rayfa.

Phoenix: What? (But when the truth comes out, the terrorist will demand we turn over the real princess!)

Edgeworth: ...I'm warning you now, Mr. Wright. I have no intention of playing along with your silly games. This ridiculous farce ends now.

Phoenix: (I guess one man really CAN be that dense...)

Judge: Hmm... Very well. Let us... umm... Let us have the tour guide and the self-proclaimed princess testify.

Witness Testimony

-- Is She Really The Princess? --

Pearl: I am Her Benevolence, Princess Rayfa.

Ahlbi: I object! The real princess would never refer to herself as "Her Benevolence"!

Pearl: But doesn't my hairstyle look kind of like the princess's?

Ahlbi: I object! The real princess wouldn't say something like that!

Ahlbi: And the real princess is taller, too!

Judge: Hmm... I must say, this is the most confused and absurd testimony I have ever heard.

Phoenix: (Pearls isn't fooling anyone... I'm afraid this is going to end before it begins.)

Judge: The defense may now cross-examine the witnesses.

Cross-Examination

-- Is She Really The Princess? --

Pearl: I am Her Benevolence, Princess Rayfa.

Ahlbi: I object! The real princess would never refer to herself as "Her Benevolence"!

Pearl: But doesn't my hairstyle look kind of like the princess's?

Ahlbi: I object! The real princess wouldn't say something like that!

Ahlbi: And the real princess is taller, too!

Maya: I never expected to see Pearly take the stand. I thought she was here to watch the proceedings just for fun.

Phoenix: If only... You have no idea how much I wish I was here "just for fun" right now, too. (Well, I guess I'd better keep pressing the two of them and see what happens.)