| At the British Supreme Court |
Transcript |
British Supreme Court, Lord Chief Justice's Office
Ryunosuke:
Ugh...here we are again...
Susato:
Every time we visit here, the atmosphere in this place seems to get more and more overbearing.
Ryunosuke:
Just think, we could be at home with Mr Sholmes and Iris having a nice, cosy breakfast.
Susato:
But we have a duty to report the outcome of the case. Especially since we're guests here in Britain. So I'm afraid this visit couldn't have been avoided.
Ryunosuke:
I suppose not. But is there even anyone here? You could hear a pin drop in this place. It's too solemn for its own good.
Susato:
It is very quiet, isn't it? The only sound is the ticking of the great clock as it keeps perfect time.
...Tick...tock...tick...tock...tick...tock...tick...tock... *Pitter patter*... *Pitter patter pitter patter*...
Susato:
......... What was that, I wonder? The usual comforting sound of the clock seems to have been joined by a less comforting shuffling sound today.
...Tick...tock...tick...tock...tick...tock...tick...tock... Hahh...hahh... *Huff, huff, huff, huff*...
Ryunosuke:
You're right. Something's disturbing the rhythmical ticking. It sounds rather like an unfit middle-aged man running from pillar to post. Clumsily.
Gregson:
Who are you callin' unfit?! Hahh...hahh...hahh...hahh...
Ryunosuke:
Oh! Inspector Gregson! What are you doing here?
Gregson:
What am I...?! Hahh...hahh... Isn't it flamin' obvious?! Hahh...hahh...hahh...
Stronghart:
...Fifty-eight seconds remaining, Inspector.
Gregson:
AAAAAARRRGH! We'll have to talk later, sunshine!
Susato:
Um...good morning, Lord Stronghart!
Ryunosuke:
(Wow, he's really looking fiercely at his pocket watch today!)
Stronghart:
And good morning to you. ...Business so early in the day?
Ryunosuke:
Oh! Um...yes! Well, I mean, erm... It's about the other day... Um...
Susato:
We are to deliver our report, Lord Stronghart. As our dealings with Mr Natsume are now over.
Stronghart:
Ah yes, the little Japanese man. I've already cast my eyes over van Zieks's report.
*Pitter patter*... *Pitter patter pitter patter*... Hahh...hahh...hahh... Hahh...
Stronghart:
I must say the outcome surprised me. ...I thank you for a job well done.
Susato:
You are too kind, My Lord.
Gregson:
It's not here! It's not there! ...And it's not over there, either!
Ryunosuke:
Um, I hope you don't mind me asking, but...what exactly is the inspector doing? He's been haring around between the bookshelves, looking beside himself with worry.
Stronghart:
He's looking for a particular work: 'The Lion's Pride'.
Ryunosuke:
...Now there's an all-too familiar title.
Stronghart:
I'd heard it was a popular tale, so I obtained a copy from the rental library. However, it wasn't able to maintain my interest, so I soon cast it aside. I happened to notice a vacant spot on one of my shelves at the time... ...so I duly stowed the book there. Unfortunately, I no longer remember where that was.
Gregson:
Nope! Not there! ...Not here, either! Come on! Where are you lions hidin'?!
Stronghart:
The book is due back today, so I've asked Gregson to locate it for me with his investigative prowess... ...inside five minutes!
Susato:
I must say I've never seen anyone working so hard to find something. He's like a man possessed.
Stronghart:
Ah yes. That's because his month's salary is staked upon the outcome.
Ryunosuke:
(At whose instigation? ...Let me guess: this stony-faced lord.) And...the five-minute time limit? What's the significance of that?
Stronghart:
There is none. Just my vulgar mischievous spirit showing itself, I'm afraid.
Susato:
Oh. By your own admission...
Gregson:
GAAAAAAAAARGH! I, I can't... Hahh... My feet...hahh...are killin' me.
Stronghart:
Five seconds. Four...three...two...one... Time's up, Inspector.
Gregson:
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!
Stronghart:
Which means that next month you will work unpaid and have no days off.
Gregson:
No...no days off...
Ryunosuke:
There really are just so many books here. It's overwhelming.
Stronghart:
For some, perhaps. I've purchased every book, new or old, on the subject of law from all over the globe.
Gregson:
Wouldn't have believe it a few short decades ago. A place like this couldn't have existed.
Susato:
What do you mean, Inspector?
Gregson:
When I was a kid, no one ever dreamed of buyin' books.
Ryunosuke:
Oh, I see. Western books are such luxury items, I suppose, with their leather covers and fancy bindings.
Gregson:
No, that's not it.
Susato:
Oh!
Gregson:
There was a tax on paper, see?
Ryunosuke:
Oh, on paper?
Gregson:
Yeah. I mean, it was abolished about thirty years back now, but it used to be the case. There was tax levied on any kind of paper. So obviously that meant most folk couldn't afford to buy any books at all.
Susato:
Ah, so is that why places like the rental library you mentioned before came into existence, Lord Stronghart?
Stronghart:
Indeed. Vestiges of the paper tax system, you could say. The general public consider books as items for hire. London is home to a vast lending library of some three and a half million books.
Susato:
...You couldn't hope to read all of that even if you were reincarnated ten thousand times.
Stronghart:
Even I would choose to rent a book rather than purchase it, if I knew I would read it infrequently.
Ryunosuke:
The subject of tax has actually surprised us already in the last few days. It came up in Mr Natsume's trial. It seems that the window in his room was filled in due to some kind of window tax.
Stronghart:
That would be true. Fortunately the window tax was abolished here some forty years ago. Sadly, in the East End in particular, many windowless houses remain.
Gregson:
Britain's always had a bit of a thing for taxin' stuff. Whatever they can tax, they tax! Sugar, salt, tea, coffee... you name it. Candles...beards...
Ryunosuke:
Wait, sorry? What was that last one? Did you say 'beards'?
Gregson:
Yup. The beard tax. Never heard of it?
Ryunosuke:
Never! Why should people have to pay money just because they let their facial hair grow?
Gregson:
You may well ask. I suppose it's because it makes them look self-important.
Ryunosuke:
Ugh...the Naruhodos will have a strict family policy of no facial hair, I think.
Stronghart:
You can relax. The beard tax was confined to the annals of history long ago.
Ryunosuke:
Even so, it's clearly something the British really love. Paying taxes, I mean.
Gregson:
Payin' 'em? You've got that back-to-front, sunshine.
Ryunosuke:
But you can't deny you've had a lot of funny taxes over the years. You'd never find anything like that in Japan. ...Would you, Miss Susato?
Susato:
......... In actual fact...I'm afraid to say that you would, Mr Naruhodo.
Ryunosuke:
What? No... You don't mean...? Surely there's never been a window tax in Japan?
Susato:
No, but there have been similarly obscure taxes. For example, in the Edo period, there was a frontage tax.
Ryunosuke:
What was that?
Susato:
It was a tax not on windows, but on the entrance to properties. The larger a property's entrance was, the greater the tax that was levied on it. Even today, some mansions survive with extremely narrow entrances due to that old form of taxation.
Ryunosuke:
I, I had no idea...
Gregson:
Hmph. So you Japanese are as twisted as us Brits.
Ryunosuke:
But, but we never had a beard tax! I mean that's really going a step too far!
Susato:
Well no, that's true. I'm not aware of any taxes for beards at least.
Ryunosuke:
What do you mean 'at least'?
Susato:
Well, rather than tax them, the shogunate did once prohibit them outright.
Ryunosuke:
The ruling class...prohibited beards?
Susato:
It was called the Great Beard Prohibition. It was an Edo period edict.
Ryunosuke:
But why did the powers that be want to ban beards?
Gregson:
Because it makes people look self-important? ...Just an idea.
Susato:
It would seem that rulers in the East and the West have had very similar ideas over the years. There have been other unusual taxes in our history. Even in our current Meiji period.
Ryunosuke:
There have?
Susato:
For example, though it was before either of us were born...there was a rabbit tax.
Ryunosuke:
Th-There was a tax on those adorable, fluffy creatures - like the one who makes mochi sweets on the moon?
Susato:
Yes. And it was an extremely large tax, too. The government demanded extraordinary sums of money.
Ryunosuke:
This just gets stranger and stranger. What was the reason for that bizarre tax then?
Susato:
Well, after Japan opened its doors to the world, there was an unprecedented rabbit boom in the Meiji capital.
Ryunosuke:
A boom?
Susato:
Yes. Keeping rabbits became hugely popular, and new species were traded at exorbitant prices. People were even swindled out of all their money for exotically coloured rabbits.
Ryunosuke:
...Like coloured chicks, I suppose.
Gregson:
Hard to imagine, though. Rabbits are so timid and quiet. Wouldn't have thought one could bankrupt you.
Susato:
So in response to this worrying social vogue, the government imposed a rabbit tax.
Ryunosuke:
I suppose they couldn't just ignore the problem.
Susato:
And it worked, because the rabbit boom came to an abrupt end. Six years later, the tax was abolished.
Ryunosuke:
Well, I hate to say it about my own country, but...Japan is strange.
Susato:
But there's more: after the rabbit tax was abolished then, of course... ...society reacted by launching straight into a second rabbit boom.
Ryunosuke:
Oh dear. The government didn't think that one through, did they?
Stronghart:
Your ideas about the world are very much altered by the position you hold in society. If you are responsible for the running of the country, you will feel the need to raise revenue keenly.
Gregson:
Without a stable taxation system, the whole country would go down the drain.
Ryunosuke:
Well, yes, I suppose so. But some of these taxes...
Stronghart:
That's precisely why ministers of state use their wiles to invent new and novel ways of taxing the public.
Ryunosuke:
Novel ways?
Stronghart:
Tell me, Mr Naruhodo. If you were one of my country's statesmen...
Ryunosuke:
Me? A, a British statesman?
Stronghart:
Yes. What novel tax would you impose? Pray, give us something truly original... ...inside five seconds.
Ryunosuke:
What?! Oh, um...
Susato:
Think of something that everyone uses, Mr Naruhodo! And really squeeze every penny out of the population!
Ryunosuke:
(...That's quite the intense stare! I'm very glad Susato-san isn't in charge.)
Stronghart:
Your time is up. So, what's your answer?
Ryunosuke:
Um... Well......... Air, maybe? Yes! How about air?
Stronghart:
Hm... An air tax, you say?
Susato:
Oh well done, Mr Naruhodo! A truly novel and fiendish idea!
Ryunosuke:
Well everyone has to breathe. So while the population is inhaling air, my government is inhaling money!
Gregson:
Blimey. You're a tyrant at heart, eh?
Stronghart:
A somewhat radical solution to a country's revenue problems, but sadly not an original one.
Ryunosuke:
No! You, you mean to say...?
Susato:
Surely not... You mean a tax on air has been imposed in the past?
Stronghart:
It was last century. The finance minister of our neighbour France proposed it.
Ryunosuke:
WHAT?! (If I ever go for a visit, I'm holding my breath.)
Stronghart:
Unsurprisingly, it was strongly opposed by the public and soon scrapped. The minister didn't last long, either.
Susato:
Oh dear... Although clearly that would have been an untenable situation.
Ryunosuke:
The public at large are a force to be reckoned with.
Gregson:
Don't I know it.
Susato:
How about you, Inspector? What new tax would you impose?
Gregson:
Hm, let me see... My first thought is a tax on objections.
Ryunosuke:
Sorry?
Gregson:
Been hearin' far too many of them recently in court. There's a particular lawyer I have in mind, as it happens. So I think an objection tax could be very handy.
Ryunosuke:
...Good to see you don't allow your personal feuds to influence your work in public office.
Stronghart:
Hmmm...
Gregson:
I reckon fivepence for every objection raised would be about right.
Stronghart:
A most amusing proposal, Gregson.
Ryunosuke:
...A most unamusing proposal, My Lord.
Stronghart:
Well then, I think it's your turn now.
Ryunosuke:
Sorry, my turn for what?
Stronghart:
Why, what else? To locate my missing copy of 'The Lion's Pride'.
Ryunosuke:
Oh!
Stronghart:
It's on one of the shelves in this room. Of that I am certain. Now...I shall give you ten minutes. And let's stake your student stipend on it, hm? Fail to find the book, and you forfeit next month's payment.
Ryunosuke:
Ob-Objection!
Stronghart:
Your time starts...now. ...Oh, and one more thing. I believe you just said the word 'objection'.
Ryunosuke:
Ugh...
Stronghart:
Kindly leave your fivepence over there before you begin combing the shelves.
Ryunosuke:
...This tax is going to be the death of me.